Hot Football Transfer Gossip: Beckham 'to buy Messi', Mourinho 'to rebuild United's spine'

David Beckham wants to sign Lionel Messi - apparently - so he had better join the queue

Hats off to the Daily Mail for coming up with possibly the most fantastical transfer rumour of the year so far….

David Beckham wants to buy Lionel Messi for a club that doesn’t exist.

Right, hats back on. We don’t want to give the Mail too much credit, but we do admire their latest back-page concoction.

The man formerly known as Goldenballs apparently wants to sign the man who could feasibly be known as Goldenballons for the new MLS franchise Miami United, which Becks is running. We say new MLS franchise; in fact the club is currently at a stage that comes before new. Namely, in Becks’ imagination. But what an imagination.

As well as bringing in Messi, Miami United also apparently want to sign Zlatan Ibrahmimovic when they eventually do become an actual football team – predicted to be sometime in 2017. But Beckham has made the Argentine his number one target due to Miami having a “dense Latin population”, says the Mail. He should sign a Cuban player really, but there aren’t any. Maybe they could build one!

Staying within the fantasy realm, Jose Mourinho is planning “spine replacement surgery” for a club he doesn’t manage. The Sun says the out-of-work Portuguese coach wants to buy three central players – a centre-back, central midfielder and centre-forward - for Manchester United, who are in fact managed by Louis van Gaal. Sadly we are not told who these players might be, aside from a seductive yet vague claim that “a striker of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s quality and price tag is not impossible”.

Fortunately, we can try to work out the identities of the other two players by collating the rest of the day’s Hot Football Transfer Gossip. Perhaps the centre-back is Barcelona’s Marc Bartra, who the Express says will be forced to leave the Nou Camp due to a lack of playing time, adding that Man Utd and Mourinho are “big fans” of the 25-year-old.

The central midfielder, meanwhile, seems like it could quite possibly be the 21-year-old Atletico Madrid player Saul Niguez, who AS says is being chased by United along with Arsenal.

There is slightly less encouraging news on the striker front, with Italian media suggesting that Chelsea have entered the race to sign United’s long-term target Mauro Icardi, of Inter Milan.

Elsewhere (i.e. in news that has nothing to do with Man Utd), Pep Guardiola has played down rumours that he wants to replace Joe Hart with Manuel Neuer (Star), Liverpool are lining up a £4m swoop for Malaga midfielder Ignacio Camacho (Metro) and Napoli forward Lorenzo Insigne’s agent has claimed that lots of Premier League clubs want him and that he will “listen to their offers” and then say no (Express).