England legend Rio Ferdinand reflects on how heartbreaking death of his wife Rebecca 'made him more loving' - 7M sport

England legend Rio Ferdinand reflects on how heartbreaking death of his wife Rebecca 'made him more loving'

The Manchester United star opens up about how he has changed as a parent in his autobiography Thinking Out Loud which is serialised in The Sun


Posted Monday, September 25, 2017 by Thesun.co.uk

WHEN Rio Ferdinand's wife Rebecca died of breast cancer in 2015, he was left to raise their three kids – Lorenz, now ten, Tate, eight, and Tia, six.

Despite his initial despair making him turn to booze, Rio, 38, is slowly rebuilding his life.

England legend Rio Ferdinand reflects on how heartbreaking death of his wife Rebecca 'made him more loving'
Rio Ferdinand said his world collapsed after Rebecca died of breast cancer

England legend Rio Ferdinand reflects on how heartbreaking death of his wife Rebecca 'made him more loving'
Rio Ferdinand pictured in happier times with his wife Rebecca

He has started dating again and girlfriend Kate Wright, 26, has been introduced to his family.

Here, in Day Two of The Sun's exclusive serialisation of his new book, Thinking Out Loud, Rio reflects on how he has changed as a parent and his fears for his children.

Rebecca's changed our lives for ever.

As I write this now, a little more than two years later, I can see that it has also changed me as a man, and as a father.

I just spent the weekend alone with Lorenz, while Tate and Tia were with their grandparents. We'd had a perfect weekend together, doing little low-key things — going out to eat, seeing a movie, playing football.

As we got home and stood in the hallway, taking off our shoes, I paused, and turned to Lorenz, and ruffled his hair. "How good was that? We had a wicked weekend, didn't we?" He looked up and smiled. "Yeah, Dad, we did."

England legend Rio Ferdinand reflects on how heartbreaking death of his wife Rebecca 'made him more loving'
Rio says he worries about his kids but they are strikingly confident

I cannot remember my dad ever showing pleasure in my company when I was a boy, let alone telling me he did. I know he felt it — but to say something like that would have been unimaginable to him. It would have meant the world to me, though.

Showing Lorenz love in such a simple way, by telling him, still did not come naturally to me, and I had to consciously remind myself to do it. But looking into Lorenz's smiling eyes, I saw what it meant for him.

The children have all seen a counsellor at school since their mum died. She told me she can see a big improvement in their willingness to talk about Rebecca, and how they miss her. It wasn't always like that, she said.

Tia is back in her own bed now. She is still allowed to sleep in mine at the weekends, and Tate pads in most mornings, bleary-eyed, and clambers in for a cuddle.

But whatever loneliness the night held for them is now, I hope, beginning to fade.

England legend Rio Ferdinand reflects on how heartbreaking death of his wife Rebecca 'made him more loving'
Being Mum and Dad offers heartbreaking glimpse into Rio Ferdinand's life after his wife's death

They wear Rebecca's old cardigans or pyjama tops in bed, and God help whoever moves them while tidying up. The clothes live under the kids' pillows, and are not going anywhere.

In my more panicky moments I worry about how they will navigate all the dramas of their teenage years without a mother, and I worry most for Tia as she gets older and needs a woman in her life.

But I don't think anyone who meets the children today would guess what they have been through.

They are strikingly confident kids, unfazed by anything. Tate will talk to anyone, Lorenz has just played the lead role in his school play and Tia is always herself in any situation.

I have tried to put systems in place so that I can spend more time with the kids.

On Wednesdays now I take Tia to Nando's, and she loves fetching the cutlery, and setting up the table and chatting to the waitresses. Even just ten minutes alone in the car with me is worth more to my kids than I ever used to understand.

Rebecca knew and understood all of this. She didn't need anyone to tell her to go upstairs and lie with one of the kids for 15 minutes for no other reason than that it made them happy.

Birthday parties were always themed extravaganzas. For the boys' birthdays, she would tell guests to come in football kit, fill the garden with goal posts and organise penalty shoot-out games. Halloween was her favourite excuse for a big party, and everyone had to come in costume.

She never minded making herself look ridiculous. One year she dressed up as a pumpkin, another time she was Dracula.

I've had to be taught this stuff — but I'm learning. Slowly but surely, I'm learning. The heartbreaking truth is that losing Rebecca has made me more loving. I can't turn back the clock and show her more love, but I can try not to repeat the same mistakes with our children.

When I used to see people weep at a movie, I always felt scornful and confused. What was wrong with them? Nowadays I can cry at the drop of a hat, and I see that the person who had something wrong with them for all those years wasn't them, it was me.

Funnily enough, the other day my dad said something similar. He never used to cry either. Now when he watches programmes about slavery, he finds his eyes welling up. Being able to cry makes me feel more alive, and for that I am profoundly grateful.

I no longer have days when all I can do is cancel my plans and curl up in a ball.

It is only nights that can still undo me. I usually wake up between 2-3am, when the horror of what my children have lost hits me again, keeping me awake until dawn.

Sometimes people tell me I should count my blessings, because I still have three beautiful, healthy children. To be honest, it winds me up a bit when they say that. I lost the love of my life, my children lost their mother — and they want me to be whoopee-doo-isn't-life-great?

But some evenings I do look around the table and think, There are still four of us here. If that's counting my blessings, then I guess I do. Lorenz still worries me, mostly because his silences remind me so much of myself. Tate and Tia continue to fill the memory jar, but Lorenz has gradually withdrawn from it and will seldom get involved now. He has a way of retreating into himself that makes me feel as if I'm looking in the mirror. I'm still trying to work out how to help him open up.

Of course, in many ways I haven't changed either. I am still unbelievably disorganised. I'm messy, and chaotic, and forgetful. I have to force myself to be more open and affectionate, and to talk more about how I'm feeling.

If you met me for the first time today, you'd probably think I was a bit of a closed book, and might say I was a cold fish. All I can tell you is, trust me, you wouldn't if you'd known what I was like for the first 36 years of my life. Family culture is a very powerful thing, and you don't get to change it like a lightbulb.

We're all struggling to put ourselves back together and work out how to be a family now Rebecca is no longer with us. She was always the glue, the diplomat, the buffer.

Without her I don't think we've quite worked out how to make a new jigsaw that fits for everyone.



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