The Posh Prescription: Advice For Frank Lampard

Posted Thursday, March 18, 2010 by Kickette.com

Dear Vicky Bee,

Last night I was reunited with the second great love of my life, but I’m feeling down since his team has now left me with nothing to do on Tuesdays and Wednesdays for the rest of the season.

Is there anything that can cheer me up?

xoxox, Frankie Lampard

PS – My heart gave a start of joy when I saw him in the tunnel. Oh, how we laughed. And loved. And laughed. Sniff.

A:
Dear Frank,

Love can be a difficult thing to manage.

Look at me and my David. I flew thousands of miles to Finland just to hold his hand as he got into a mini-van.

We're not even speaking at this point because he won't let me apply my Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour Cream to his boo-boo and I'm worried it's going to scar. But still, here I am, showing my support. It's what real love is about.

Unfortunately though Frank, it’s also a fiendish game of one upmanship and abuse of power. Your obvious delight at seeing Jose may have given him the upper hand and certainly bolstered his ego to rarely seen highs. (Even for him.) Your delight may have been the tipping point that actually spurred him on in the half-time talk and lost you the game.

The only way to truly comfort yourself through your darkest hours is to know that one day, fate will exact her own revenge. Be patient. Smile through the pain. (Frowning will only give you deep facial wrinkles). Show him you are strong and powerful. Then, one day, when you least expect it, something like this will happen. And you can sleep soundly at night, at peace.

Yes, it hurts to have a long-lost-love stomp on your heart multiple times, but you must show strength. Most importantly, don't be ashamed of your love. Pout if it makes you feel better. Just apply retinol to those deep facial wrinkles when finished.

Lots of love,

Victoria

–
*Note: Clearly we haven’t hired the services of the actual Mrs Beckham. Shhh. Don't spoil our fun.

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