John Terry: Notes on a Scandal

Posted Saturday, February 06, 2010 by


Digging ourselves out of the mountainous pile of tabloid reports, JT jokes, and tired “WAGs as role models” arguments, we find that yet, again, we are left with more questions than answers. Call it information overload, call it alcohol kills brain cells, we’re not bothered.

The big news this afternoon is Fabio Capello’s decision to take John Terry off of captaincy duty for the England team. In a statement provided by the FA, Capello commended JT’s performance as captain but said that taking “other considerations” into account he thought it was best for the team.

We all know what those “other considerations” are: John Terry’s oft-lauded, but badly-behaving penis.

Whether one agrees with Fabio Capello’s decision or not, we have to say that his decisiveness gives us some comfort. We’re hardly relaxed about the England WC situ, but at least we feel that he’s the HGIC (head gaffer in charge) and will continue to garner the respect a manager requires from his players.

Onto the big question: Who gets our vote for captain in these trying times?

When every tabloid in the country has several scandalous stories waiting for the right moment to hit print surely it’s best to for the lesser of many evils: Jermain Defoe.

Our man-ho of the year for 2008 deserves a chance. Why, you ask? Because once you run through the list of badly behaving English footballers, he’s the obvious choice: There’s no chance of anything ever coming out of the woodwork that could cause shock or embarrassment.

We lived through this, didn’t we? (But sadly, not this.)

More of our thoughts to come below, but for now, let’s take a quick quiz break to see how well everyone has been paying attention to the Vanessa Perroncel PR money-grab campaign of glory. (Answers will be posted later today)


1. In Vanessa Perroncel’s second “I always talk on the phone whilst outside in the bitter cold without a jacket during my sex scandal” photo op, her Juicy Couture trackies were navy blue.

2. Vanessa and Toni Terry share more than just John’s short-tents, they also have the same taste in handbags. They were each seen carrying matching Chanel bags in the days after the scandal broke.

3. Vanessa has turned down offers upwards of £225,000 to sell her version of events.

4. Toni banned John from a Vegas party with the Chelsea boys last summer.

5. Toni fled to Dubai to escape when the story hit the press.

5a. Her post-twins bikini body is fantabulous.

6. Vanessa’s impressive mane of hair comes courtesy of hair extensions.

7. Vanessa was a cocktail waitress before making her forray into lingerie modeling.

8. Vanessa will join forces with Nereida Gallardo and Rebecca Loos to create a new reality telly show called The Sidejob Sisterhood of Superskallywags.

9. Making a public comment on how sad you are that JT has lost the England captaincy will win the general public over.

A few more notes on this scandal:

Timeline of the affair

Although the majority of reports have talked about John and Vanessa hooking up whilst she was still in a relationship with Wayne Bridge, we’re not so sure. So far we’ve yet to see a consistent time-line that adds up, and we doubt we ever will.

John and Toni
Of course, it’s nobody’s business, but it’s impossible not to speculate on this relationship. Everyone knows that Toni has been through this before, and obviously she made her peace with her realities.

Can we accept that she chose to marry a man and is likely to stand by a man that has cheated and humiliated her so terribly? That’s so very hard to accept, no?

But perhaps there is more to this marriage than we’re privvy to. Or maybe Toni has decided that she will do whatever it takes to keep her family together. Or perhaps, Toni loves John and would rather have the “wife” title, which superceeds all skanks past and present.

Perhaps she knows that in John’s mind, being with other women has nothing to do with his feelings for Toni. He’s not the only man that is capable of thinking this way. Regardless of what justifications  she has though: your man hooking up with a mate? So, so painful. And that’s a game changer, for sure.

On Wayne Bridge’s Image

Wayne was quickly, and understandably so, cast in the victim role by the press, and the situation. But as most in the know can attest, Wayne is (allegedly) far from innocent when it comes to matters of the pants and the contents of the pants remaining in the pants. Will this story move from John Terry’s expose to Vanessa P’s skankery to Wayne Bridge kiss-and-tells?



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