Inside the mind of alleged wine-bar brawler David Moyes

David Moyes is being investigated by police for allegedly assaulting a man in a wine bar. This comes a month after he was sacked by Manchester United less than one full season into a six-year deal. The following are the thoughts of Moyes in the lead-up to the alleged altercation.

"Oh, Louis van Gaal — isn't he wonderful!" He's not wonderful though. His head just looks like an extra long neck. I've won more in the Premier League than he ever has. I could have won a bunch of trophies if I worked at Ajax, Barcelona and Bayern Munich, too. Why couldn't I be Dutch? Everything is so easy for the Dutch.

When's Tim Sherwood getting here? The man is physically incapable of being on time. No wonder he was sacked. I'd rather be seventh and punctual than sixth and always late while wearing a f***ing gilet. I hope I get my cheese and red onion tartlette soon. I'm starting to feel this jar of wine.

Is he- is he laughing at me? That man by the wine bar looks like he's having a very intent conversation with a woman, but he's probably laughing at me. I bet he's the one who hired that "Moyes out" plane banner that's still flying over my house every night. You think Marouane Fellaini was a waste of money do you? You want to know where Cesc Fabregas is? Well why don't I march up to you and tell you.

Yeah, I'm showing him. Take that, Sir Alex! Ha! He says he's not Sir Alex and that he's only 23 years old, but that's exactly what Sir Alex would say. You're not going to fool me again! You had David Gill as your chief executive and I had a jowly eight-year-old with five o'clock shadow! But I still reached the Champions League quarterfinals you stupid...Harvard lecturer!

Oh God, I've hit him. That...that was actually fantastic! I can't stop hitting him and it's wonderful! I feel like Joey Barton! I feel like Joey Barton! Oh no, the cops are here. Time to steal a Lamborghini and drive into the ocean like in Grand Theft Auto. No, too late. They're taking down my information. This probably won't help me get that Barcelona job that's already been filled. I bet if Van Gaal assaulted someone in a wine bar everyone would be quite impressed. The Dutch have it so easy.